Tuesday, November 18, 2014
Six months ago from this very date, I made the most difficult decision in my entire life. When I walked out of the cafe with a tear-stained face and made my way through the mall to go to a dreadful 8 hour shift at my summer retail job, I thought about how much my life would change.
To this day, the worst part was losing my best friend; and I realized this shortly after I started my shift. I cried on and off for the entirety of my time at work, and I did not care how bad I looked. It sounds juvenile, I know, but I cried the hardest in the back room when I realized that there was nobody for me to text and vent to while on my break.
This same feeling continued to hit me every single day for about three weeks. After being in contact with the same person every day for more than three years, it was difficult to be near my cell phone or peruse through social media. It was even difficult to leave my house; So I would go to work and then go back home. I was not miserable, especially because I knew that I had done the right thing, but there was a giant gaping hole in my life that stung; and I was the one who put it there.
For starters, I discreetly changed my relationship status on Facebook (something I vow never to post again), I took down the photos that I had of us, scattered around my room and I hid them in the bottom of a drawer, and I also put away the little gifts that I had and the things that reminded me of something that I thought would last forever.
I did not burn the photos or delete them from my social media accounts; I did not throw away the gifts or letters; I did not ever use hateful words, even after I realized that we could never truly "still be friends." I realized that those three years were really very formative for me. I do not regret them in the slightest, even though things did not work out the way that I had planned. I keep the material things and the memories because they are a part of who I am and where I have come from.We had just outgrown each other, and it was time to move on.
After moping and having to remind myself that I had done the right thing,every single day for a few months, I began to feel empowerment and growth. I had gotten back into some of the things that I had loved to do like writing, hiking, and drawing. I took some time to go traveling and escape from my hometown which is full of memories. I went dancing at a five story club in Madrid. I was outspoken and outgoing. I went on long runs. I flirted with strangers in Spanish. I began to feel more and more myself; more than I ever had in many, long months.
Although I cannot remember where I first heard the word "excelsior," it has become a mantra for me in these past few months. It means "ever upward," and for me it signifies that even though I was at my lowest for a bit, I was able to rise up from that. Now, I feel as if I am climbing ever upward and that, even though there may still be things in my way, I will be able to surpass them and succeed in becoming my best self.
I am on that upwards track and I love the feeling. I began my senior year of college as independent, uplifted, and strong as ever. I have grown so much from my experiences and I would not be the same had I not lived through them. I am happy, right where I am, and I only plan on accelerating upwards.